I have no energy to try to couch this post in nice prose or a larger philosophical context. I feel bald and blunt and impatient. I am trying to wean off the medication that has kept me tethered to this paragon of animals for the past five months and let me tell you - it ain't easy.
Here's what I have discovered about pregnancy and child birth - they are big deals. Huge. You always hear how "Oh having kids will change your life" And I knew that it would - Intellectually I was ready for all the changes folks tout at baby showers - no sleep, it's not about you anymore, say goodbye to dignity and privacy, say hello to mommy brain and spit-up, welcome to being more worried about the color of poop than the performance of your stock portfolio and on and on and on. I'm not an idiot. I get it. It's stressful. It changes your life.
But I was ill-prepared (and truly believe you cannot adequately prepare) for the complete change in my mind. My reactions to nearly everything (while always closer to odd than to normal on a sliding scale) became downright scary. My head felt caught in a battle between an unleashed, roving gang of state hospital inmates wielding chair legs and bedsprings and their mild, bespectacled, caretakers defending themselves with clip boards and file folders.
I saw my self-inflicted demise over and over again - no plan, just snapshots or film clips that would float unbidden in and out of my vision. When these images began to crowd out all others, when I found myself using every ounce of my daily allotment of strength to shine on normalcy just until my husband left for work in the mornings, I finally asked for help.
And I received it. In the form of estrogen patch and a low dose of zoloft. And I took it and I felt better. And ashamed. So ashamed. And guilty over how I treated my husband badly, how I neglected my friends. I didn't know how to talk to anyone. I felt like an open running sore of emotion and ick - who wants to be around that?
My question is now that I am on the path to better mental health, how do I rid myself of this crushing guilt? How do I start taking better care of my friends without the paranoia of rejection taking hold again? How do I treat my husband better through this false veil of judgment I perceive him to wear?
Stupid postpartum depression. You suck.
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Dear Postpartum Depression, it's been real but it's time for you to go. You're making my incredibly lovely, sweet friend doubt herself and that's just not going to work for me. Please escort yourself elsewhere and know that you are not welcome back.
ReplyDeleteRachel
(p.s. you're not welcome at my house either)
This is a great post! (Apparently I like it when you're bald and impatient and blunt!)
ReplyDeleteI was never diagnosed with post-partum depression (probably because I never asked for help), but I know exactly (EXACTLY!!) what you mean about all those images running through your head. After Katherine was born I had a mild experience with it: we'd be walking to the library and I'd suddenly see myself letting go of the stroller and watching it roll into the traffic-crowded street; then I'd grip the stroller tighter and move on.
But after Penelope was born, and I was by myself for weeks and weeks, I had an intense, nearly crippling, bout of depression. Driving down the road, I'd see myself crashing the car and the image of my babies' limp, crushed bodies would flash before my eyes. Walking down the hard, tile stairs with Penelope in my arms, I'd see myself opening my hands and watching her fall. It got to the point where those movie-clip images were nearly constant, and I was almost completely unstable.
Fortunately I never acted on any of those thoughts. They'd just float through me and, eventually, they disappeared...but I can totally relate to your guilt. (Why didn't I ask for help? Why didn't I realize what was happening? How could I have been such a terrible mother?) The good news is though, I think your experiences--while frightening--aren't at all uncommon. Everyone will understand. And honestly, you probably feel like you've been behaving worse than you actually have been--because you've had the raw, unedited version of all this floating in your head when everyone else has had the watered-down, trying-to-keep-it-together outsider's view. Does that make sense?
So, I say: just be honest. Tell people what you're going through, expect them understand, and be gentle with yourself. Try to let go a little...and let your friends take care of YOU.
(Sorry for the crazy-long comment! Next time I'll send you an email!)
Sweet Ellen,
ReplyDeleteThis makes my heart hurt....not so much because you experienced the depression (although I hate that, too), but because you feel guilty about it. I'll pray for God to ease this burden that you continue to carry! We all love you!
K
Oh, oops! Blogger told me my comment was too long, so I emailed it to you...and now I seem like a psycho! Sorry!
ReplyDeleteOh E, what can I say, I am sorry I am just now reading this. I am quite positive that Joe, being the absolutely stand up guy he is, and everyone else in your life, who must also be awesome because they are friends with you, are really simply happy that you feel better and require neither apologies nor atonement. Knowing you, I am guessing Emily is correct in that you probably looked so much more together than you felt. I'd look at this experience as something you can perhaps one day help a friend or even your own daughter get through now that you have experienced it first hand.
ReplyDeleteAlso, we still need to catch up sometime! Somehow the weekend got away from us but I'd like to see Miss Anna and hear how you guys are doing.
Sweet baby sister, you know we have a huge problem with guilt in our family. You are the strongest, sweetest, most amazing person I know. What a brave thing you did by asking for help. (yet another thing our family does not do well). You are such an amazing, awesome mommy and NONE of this is your fault. You handled it perfectly with no guidance from anyone. You did everything right. You asked for help and followed it. Get rid of the guilt! We both know how toxic that is and the bottom line is you have nothing to feel guilty about.
ReplyDeleteI love you sister