Today Facebook is not my Friend

I really like Facebook for the most part. Over the past year my extended family has all joined and I have enjoyed getting more involved in the minutia of their lives - something that distance has prevented me from in the past.

But today - not so much. Today all it has done is show me pics of gatherings of my OKC friends - gatherings that we haven't been invited to....that just a year ago we would have been... maybe.

Today Facebook has shown me that somehow I have dropped out of that inner circle. So far I have missed a graduation party and a friend Christmas dinner and who knows what else.

I am sure this is my fault. I used to be somewhat of an entertainer - loved cooking for people and having people over. I admit this past year that has dropped off significantly. And I have a million excuses as to why - none of them seem very good at the moment. I admit - I am totally lousy over the phone. I HATE talking on the phone. Hate it. I guess I have turned into a bad friend. About the only thing I have remembered is birthdays... But not the parties that go along with them...

How did I not notice that this particular group of friends were falling by the wayside?

And then there are all the old insecurities that rear their ugly heads - people don't hang around me because they want to - it's because they feel obligated; if people invite me to something - they don't really mean it; if I call them, I'll bother them, etc, etc... How gross that I still feel these things at 31, when these feelings fit in better on the elementary school playground.

I am pretty sensitive to this type of thing, lately. I know my life is about the be flipped upside down and I can't imagine being a good friend is going to be any easier for me when I have a child. When I really stop to think about the friends I am closest to right now - they are my work friends. The folks I see everyday. They are the easy friends and I am so lucky to work with such wonderful people. But I am about to stop seeing them everyday - for at least three months. And I fear that they too will fall by the wayside during that time. Indeed I will no longer fit quite well into their schedule like I do, now. One of my friends has already commented on it - "What are we going to do when you drop off the face of the earth for three months"... and it makes me scared that this wonderful time where I am forming a family and getting to know my daughter will also be a very solitary one. Maybe I won't care - who knows.

I realize this is a bit of self-indulgent whine, so I'll stop, now. Going to get going on a shopping list and various other things that will take me away from this mediated world out in to real life. Know that if you are reading this, I count you as one of my many blessings and am very thankful for you.